Introducing The Unlearning Journal

In November 2015, a few months after Freddie Gray's death in Baltimore, I sat in a room with mostly other white people attending a panel put on by Baltimore Racial Justice Action about what it means to be a white ally. 

Racial justice was a consistent topic in Baltimore. Freddie Gray's senseless death at the hands of police made that even more potent. The racial reckonings we see around the country and world today in the wake of George Floyd's murder (and countless others) were happening in Baltimore in 2015 (and continue today). So many of us white folx (like many white folx now) were trying to figure out our role in that change.

It was an evening after a long week of work and I was tired. I went because I worked in social justice education and figured I should be there. I entered a bit half-hearted that I'd get something out of it. Honestly, I thought I knew all there was to know about social justice (spoiler alert: this here is full-on white supremacy culture in me). But I came out of that panel completely upended about my understanding of my role in creating a more racially just world. I came out realizing how absolutely ineffective and unaware and complicit I have been all along--even as a "woke" white person. I came out recognizing that my work bringing social justice issues to higher ed was only a very small portion of what I can contribute to the movement. I came out realizing that I had not been an ally all along. That in my ignorance I had (and continued to be) part of the problem.

Panelist, Avis Ransom (who I recently learned died this summer, which is such a loss for Baltimore and this world), and her words had a particular impact on me. I believe one of the first things she said (and I'm paraphrasing because this was from memory and I started writing down all her words at that event after she spoke this): "As a white person, you are not doing enough. If you don't wake up every day answering how you have worked to subvert white supremacy, then you are most definitely not doing enough."

My heart stopped. I saw myself in every single word she spoke. I was not doing enough. 

I'd like to say that that's the moment that everything changed and I began to live my life fueled by and for antiracism. But, like so many "woke" white folx, I left unable (but probably more like unwilling) to move. I didn't know what it meant to "give something up" or to dedicate my life to racial justice. I didn't know what that looked like in practice. 

It's a shitty excuse, but that's what I used to dip in and out of "the work" over the last five years. A privilege (dipping in and out) I was/am afforded because I'm white and this doesn't affect me personally. Sure, I joined Showing Up for Racial Justice PDX while I was pregnant with Finch out of terror about what the Trump presidency held for all of us. Sure, I started a social justice parents group after the white supremacist attacks on protestors in Charlottesville, VA. Sure, I worked through Me and White Supremacy by Layla Saad with some other parents. 

I did stuff. But I did not do what Avis Ransom implored us white people to do: wake up every day and ask myself "how have I helped to overturn white supremacy in the world today?" None of what I did led to tangible, noticeable changes in how I lived my life or how I invested in the work of antiracism. 

It's pretty messed up that it took one more senseless death of a Black person who deserved to live a full life as a human on this earth and a worldwide uprising to kick me in the ass...again. I'm not saying I'm doing the "overturning white supremacy" thing very well. But I'm going to do it openly. I'm going to do it honestly. And, I sure as hell will probably do it imperfectly.

And because I process what I do through writing, I'm starting a blog about it. 

What this blog is about

This blog is, quite honestly, a way to hold myself accountable to "the work". I organize my thoughts through the act of researching and writing. This blog is about my own process and I hope that it can be useful for other white folx on this journey. But I'm always happy to hear about others' processes and I would love to learn about how I can be doing this better.

I'm fully aware that a blog about my journey is borderline white-centering (maybe not even borderline). I can also see how having lived the majority of my life without doing this kind of deep exploration of my complicity in a racist system can be deeply infuriating and painful for BIPOC who experience racism on a daily basis. I sit with that tension. But I've found some use in being open about my journey, particularly for other white folx who are navigating this work. And I've found some value in generally just living with that journey on my sleeve. It's come at some cost (particularly friendships, possibly potentially some work), but that's part of the risk. So, I'm going to try it out in this form and see where this goes. If it's starting to look like it serves no purpose, or worse, causes more harm than good, then goodbye to the blog. 

Additionally, I don't have a complete plan for what all the blog posts will look like. I have ideas of what I'm going to post, but do not plan to post at a prescribed frequency. Some of the topics might be similar to what I'm writing for Bébé Voyage as the Social Justice and Sustainability Editor, but focusing on my personal journey in that realm (e.g. I'm working on a story about land acknowledgement which is something I've been doing a personal deep dive into). 

What I do expect of myself through this is to ensure that there's some sort of action involved in each of my posts. Some sort of forward momentum. Because, as I've learned in my years of inaction is that reflection without action is...nothing. It's worse than nothing, it's harmful. It's a willful participation in the racist systems I'm fully aware of but not willing to give up my own comfort for the sake of creating a more racially just world. It's something I've participated in for the better part of my 39 years on this earth and that's not something I can do anymore.

A little bit about money

While neither the goal nor the expectation is to earn money from this blog, the potential for monetization of this journey needs to be acknowledged. I don't plan to seek out money for this, but so much of what I learn has come from the knowledge and experiences of people of color. For that, I make regular contributions to locally-focused organizations, I'm a Patreon patron of a few folx whose work I follow closely, and I invest in workshops where I pay for continued learning from BIPOC people I admire. 

I urge you to do the same. For those who need some additional advice, I'll make a habit of suggesting people and/or organizations in each post to invest in and learn from (with an emphasis on paying them for the learning they're providing).

Additionally, if for any reason money comes from this blog or I publish an article about related topics in a publication that does pay me, I will distribute what I earn either partially or in full to a person or group whose knowledge helped contribute to the publication.

Black women to learn from and pay to help you through your journey

While this "Unlearning Journal" is my personal journey, I encourage you to find your own path as well. I am a white person and I do not have the daily lived experience of racism. White folx need to listen to and learn from people of color while also not overburdening our BIPOC friends and family to explain racism to us. I realize that's a tough tightrope to walk across, but we can do it. And one way is to invest in the knowledge that is already being produced by amazing people.

In this case, here are some Black women who are offering their experience and knowledge. I encourage you to not just follow along, but to financially invest in them and their work:

With that, here we go on this journey as I navigate this world of tearing down white supremacy everywhere, but mostly in my heart!

Check out my most recent blog posts and sign up for email notifications when a blog is posted here at The Unlearning Journal homepage

Elizabeth Doerr